315 HP
330 LB-FT
Curb Weight
4191 LB
Rear Wheel Drive
Engine Size
3.0 L
Transmission Type
MPG (City/Highway)
24 MPG
  • Installed Parts (0)
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        I'm a fuckin idiot. But being an idiot makes for great memories when you're 70-years-old, drinking whiskey on your porch, trading old stories with your 70-year-old guy friends, watching your 70-year-old wives in the kitchen getting shit-housed on some 70-year-old wine, as you guys clink whiskey glasses knowing you're about to go home and get some 70-year-old pussy. Anyway, rewind back to today. I do a bunch of these road rally's. They're fun, they're a great way to make a ton of new friends, and most of all, they're competitive. Showing up first to something that isn't a race is something that I've never been able to explain. SIDE NOTE: This is the only way to summarize my experience with road rally's. "Never before have I seen so many men spend so much money, and work so hard, to win something that doesn't exist." And so after getting a few of these under my belt, I get a light bulb that illuminates above my head as I realize that guys with VERY fast, VERY expensive cars aren't always showing up to the line first, despite their best efforts. Having a 550hp McLaren doesn't do you much good on a two lane freeway with a semi-truck and a dodge neon next to each other doing 77mph for three miles. No. The key to success with road rally's... is traffic management. And I'm not talking passing on the shoulder or drive the wrong way up a one-way street. That is the stuff of Mischief 3000, BullRun, Gumball and other rally's from years gone by. That stuff (in my personal experience doesn't' happen anymore, and so there is always a line of bright-colored, flame-spitting, high-horsepowered cars, straining at the leash to stretch their legs, as the semi-truck and Dodge Neon drive 77mph next to each other. Insert; rally police vehicle. Granted, I'm not the first to do this, obviously. People like Mr. Roy, and Seinor Woo have taken the police-light-rally vehicle to a level that I envy and simply don't have the balls or the budget for. So, I bought a retired, completely stripped P71 Crown Victoria, and proceeded to custom build the following (off the top of my head): -Front push bumper -New front lights -Flashing strobe front corner lights -Windshield mount front white strobe lights -Trunk mount antennas -Rear corner strobe lights -Custom center console with light activation switches -Custom hidden master disconnect for all auxiliary functions -Front mount dash cam -Custom in-car wifi system -Strobe headlights -Custom PA and siren system -New air filter, spark plugs, fuel filter, PCV valve, etc So here I am, with what I think is the ultimate rally vehicle. Something that will make traffic part the sea's as I sail through to inevitable victory (reminder: a victory that doesn't even really exist in the first place). And ultimately.... A complete fail. Turns out speed still does matter in a rally situation. If I had a dollar for every time I was doing a speed limited 120mph in the Crown Vic while a fucking Camaro passed me with a 20mph differential, my face fully gaped open as I screamed at the top of my lungs in anger, throwing spittle and range at my own windshield, I would probably have enough money to pay for all the garbage I put into this car in the first place. I sold this car after the first rally. A decision that was made when I got home, laid down on my mattress, staring at the ceiling, realizing that I somehow hadn't been arrested for a really serious fucking felony. Anyone (besides Roy and Woo) who isn't an actual officer and modifies their car to look like an officer's car is a huge ass hole in my book. That includes me. And I knew that going into it. I wouldn't do it (to this extent) ever again, and would do all I can to dismay anyone else from doing something like this. Don't be a fucking idiot like me. Do I regret it? Not one single bit. Not. At. All. I made some memories that I will absolutely never record in written format and somehow didn't go to jail on a serious felony charge for it. Memories that I'll bring up on my porch, when I'm 70-years-old.

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